Wake up just to feel yourself dying, hating your job, not exactly the job itself but the toxicity & the powerful crooks, they make you feel miserable the whole time, extracting all the energy left in you. Gotta sleep more to let your body anabolize but instead your cells are catalyzing more of what you’ve got and you end up exhausted from snoozing.
Am I getting thin being a damsel in distress? Nope. You’re still fat. Fat, fat, fat. Ugly & fat. I dunno why but when I mock myself, I feel better. When I punish myself, I feel less guilty of the mistakes I mistakenly do to others. If I do mistake, I feel like I’m the worst person in the world. Questioning myself if I am sane enough to do the bad stuff I had done & I can’t change a thing about it. I don’t like disappointing people, I don’t wanna be a subject of gossip, I am too paranoid to think the things that might happen, is already happening, doesn’t actually happen but still think it’s happening. And I am that kind of person, neurotic, got a defective wire in my brain and it’s gonna stay that way forever.
When I commit mistake, I’m thinking, why am I still alive? What’s the essence of me existing? Being humiliated to people, I will never get used to it or immune by it. If I convince myself that all is well, everything’s gonna be alright…My worries still outweigh my optimistic mantra chant. I’m still afraid what’s gonna be next? I’m done with level 1, level 2, level 3 humiliation.. If I wake up and face people, am I gonna experience the level 4? I hope it’s done. It’s all done. Now that I am still hanging & not losing grip to being a bit hopeful.
To the people I disappoint, I am sorry for being a pathological liar. You can spank me, make me kneel in front of you, beat me like a bad servant, just give me your precious forgiveness, that’s all I ask. To the people who gossip about me, please don’t judge me about my single mistake. To the people who hate me & think this is my karma, you can do that to me but please don’t wish karma to other people. Good karma is good and bad karma is bad. And we should never wish anything bad to a person. I will keep in mind, “Do unto others, what you want others to do unto you.” This will help me to be better, and be careful the next time. I am aiming for perfection, but if I do mistake, I wish I will not do the same again. I am more than my mistake. I hope it will not overpower the good things I contributed to life.
And to my dear God, for being so gracious to me..thank you for giving me Angels in this world. My support system is the best and I know your divine intervention is all I ever need right now. Continue to pour your warmth and comforting words to me, O God. I rest my case. Thy will be done. I love you so much Father. I will serve thee with all my heart and soul. Everyday is a thank-you day because you’re giving me the chance to make up and prove to myself that I am worth living for.
We have different perspective of thinking. You might think you’re just right, but to the other person he is the one who is right. Which is which. It doesn’t really matter. God see the whole perspective of everything. Move on and keep going. This is a note to self and to the others struggling with personal issues like me. Don’t take this seriously, I am full of exaggeration. I am a mass of contradictions. I will get through I know. #keepgoing