“You with a sad eyes, don’t be discourage oh I realize it’s hard take courage. In a world full of people, you can lost sight of it all.. The darkness inside you makes you feel so small”

I can say this to a friend but actually when I sing it out of the blue, wether I’m infront of the mirror starin’ at my reflection or not, I’m actually singing this to myself..Yeah..I’m pacifying my own self. Sometimes I would isolate myself from the crowd, tap my back while saying, ‘it’s  okay, you’ll get through this, you’ll be okay soon,Len.’ I am learning that challenges are normal things in life. And tho it really comes uninvitedly I still ask, ‘why? Why me? Why can’t I be happy..’

Okay you go out eat in a fine dine resto, eat all of your cravings, have a dose of shopping (loads of doses), have a makeover but at the end of the day…you still face the same sh**, contemplating on it, why?? I feel so drained… I have friends, good friends but still feels empty, I’m homesick, I wanna go home but I have a goal and my pinky finger is still clinging on it… I feel like a tiny seed implanted deep in the soil, no sunlight, no air, no CO2, no water, are they bypassing me? Hey I’m here… I need nourishment too.

‘Show me your smile don’t be unhappy can’t remember when I last saw you laughin’…. If this world makes you crazy and you’ve taken all our can’t bear, just call me up cus you know I’ll be there’

As I grow quantitatively, my laughs decrease in number. I used to be a happy -go- lucky type of girl, a hyperactive one. I’m the most talkative person in my family, I’m so loud I make them happy, even at school, my squad used to be the ice breaker in the class… I still laugh but can only count them using my fingers… Not same like before as countless as the grains of the sand (borrowed from the lines of Abram).. I also used to smile always, true or fake smiles, I do them a lot. But now I have to show my gameface, that pokerface so no one will take advantage of it, yeah people steal sunshine if you know what I mean.

When I think of other people’s challenges I find mine a small one.. but why is it still hard to bear? Am I not that resilient enough? Is this an effect of transitioning to a fully butterflied adult? I’m so powerless…This toxic life is hitting me hard.

I see your true colors shining thru.. I see your true colors and that’s why I love you.. So don’t be afraid to let them show your true colors…. True colors.. A beautiful like a rainbow…

When I watched the movie Trolls, it says there happiness is within us, you just gotta find it… I’m still perplexed with that thought in mind. I find the church and listen to the word of God, am I happy? I find a person peeking thru the door saying he wants to listen to the Gospel, I let him in, I realize how blessed  I am to have known the Gospel since childhood, am I happy? I find a God-fearing man to love and he’s loving me back, am I happy? I find a coin and put it inside my purse, thinking that a coin could make up a million peso, am I happy? I find time to review to reach my goal and pass my exam to eliminate my still unscratched what-if in life, am I happy? I find a piece of paper with a lil girl’s writing on it asking my mom not to leave her and that she loves her, am I happy? I have the opportunity to hug babies and bathe them, am I happy? I find 2 comfy soft blanket that wrapped me into a sushi when I sleep, am I happy? God provides me what I need thru other people (random ones oh they’re angels) wether thru hard cash, care bears,or prayers, am I happy?

Now judge me am I happy or not?Cus I really don’t understand what I do feel now. The world isn’t all cupcakes and rainbows but hey maybe….Maybe it is..Says Poppy. You got me contemplating on it a lot Poppy, takes out all the Branch in me.

A beautiful like a rainbow…

Photos c/o google